


The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

by TrekBec82



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Enterprise, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Ferengi, Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-02-01 04:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekBec82/pseuds/TrekBec82
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin - now including sound bites of the canon rules, and a video compilation of moments from the shows.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

**Author's Note:**

> In 2002 I made my own Star Trek fansite on Yahoo! Geocities with a pretty broad variety of things, including these rules. I'm sharing them here because I refer to them in one of my works in progress for the Good Omens fandom, and figured it'd be a good idea to provide an easy point of reference.
> 
> Please bear in mind that they're a product of their times, and some would certainly be phrased differently if written now. 
> 
> For those coming here from outside the Star Trek fandom, there are several things you need to know about the Ferengi:  
1) their society is an extreme version of patriarchal capitalism,  
2) until Grand Nagus Zek (their political leader) falls in love with Ishka (Quark and Rom's mother), women have no rights - they are essentially the property of their father, brother, or husband, cannot own anything, and are generally not permitted to wear clothing,  
3) a new era of equal opportunity began with Zek, and continued when Zek made Rom his successor - so some of the rules probably changed after that,  
4) gold-pressed latinum (often shortened to just latinum) is their preferred currency,  
5) they have very large extremely sensitive ears,  
6) Oo-mox is ear-related foreplay. No, I won't be writing anything involving that.

_Important note: _  
Some of these rules are [canon, directly from the TV series](https://youtu.be/UIBT-JYiCuE). Many more are extended canon, from officially published Star Trek novels and comics, and Ira Steven Behr's book "The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition". The remainder are non-canon from online sources, mostly Psi-Phi’s “Rules of Netquisition” competitions. 

Yes, I'm aware that the video indicates the 45th rule is "expand or die" but the older sound bite puts it at number 95, so I've left it there. Sometimes even Star Trek has imperfect continuity.

**The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition**

1\. [Once you have their money, you never give it back.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa001.wav)  
2\. You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.  
3\. [Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa003.wav)  
4\. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.  
5\. If you can't break a contract, bend it.  
6\. [Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa006.wav)  
7\. [Keep your ears open.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa007.wav)  
8\. Small print leads to large risk.  
9\. [Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa009.wav)  
10\. [Greed is eternal.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa010.wav)  
11\. Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.  
12\. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.  
13\. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.  
14\. Anything stolen is pure profit.  
15\. Acting stupid is often smart.  
16\. [A deal is a deal...until a better one comes along.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa016.wav)  
17\. [A contract is a contract is a contract, but only between Ferengi.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa017.wav)  
18\. [A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa018.wav)  
19\. [Satisfaction is not guaranteed.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa019.wav)  
20\. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.  
21\. [Never place friendship above profit.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa021.wav)  
22\. [A wise man can hear profit in the wind.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa022.wav)  
23\. Nothing is more important than your health, except your money.  
24\. A bargain usually isn't.  
25\. Fear makes a good business partner.  
26\. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.  
27\. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.  
28\. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.  
29\. Morality is always defined by those in power.  
30\. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money  
31\. Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother...insult something he cares about instead.  
32\. Be careful what you sell: It may do exactly what the customer expects.  
33\. [It never hurts to suck up to the boss.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa033.wav)  
34\. [War is good for business.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa034.wav)  
35\. [Peace is good for business.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa034-035.wav)  
36\. When someone says, "It's not the money," they're lying.  
37\. You can always buy back a lost reputation.  
38\. Free advertising is cheap.  
39\. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.  
40\. She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.  
41\. Profit is its own reward.  
42\. Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.  
43\. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.  
44\. Never confuse wisdom with luck.  
45\. Profit has limits. Loss has none.  
46\. Labour camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.  
47\. [Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa047.wav)  
48\. [The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa048.wav)  
49\. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent.  
50\. Never bluff a Klingon.  
51\. Never admit to a mistake if there's someone else to blame.  
52\. Never ask when you can take.  
53\. Sell first; ask questions later.  
54\. Never buy anything you can't sell.  
55\. Always sell at the highest possible profit.  
56\. Pursue profit; women come later.  
57\. [Good customers are as rare as latinum -- treasure them.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa057.wav)  
58\. There is no substitute for success.  
59\. [Free advice is seldom cheap.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa059.wav)  
60\. Keep your lies consistent.  
61\. Never buy what can be stolen  
62\. [The riskier the road, the greater the profit.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa062.wav)  
63\. Don't talk ship; talk shipping.  
64\. Don't talk shop; talk shopping.  
65\. Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.  
66\. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.  
67\. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it.  
68\. Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to serve.  
69\. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.  
70\. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.  
71\. Keep count of your change.  
72\. Compassion is no substitute for profit.  
73\. You could afford your ship without your government -- if it weren't for your government.  
74\. Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves any more.  
75\. [Home is where the heart is -- but the stars are made of latinum.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa075.wav)  
76\. [Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa076.wav)  
77\. If you see profit on a journey, take it.  
78\. Never argue with a loaded phaser.  
79\. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.  
80\. Friendship is seldom cheap.  
81\. Never use credit where your words will do.  
82\. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.  
83\. Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.  
84\. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost.  
85\. Never let the competition know what you're thinking.  
86\. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity.  
87\. Let's you and him fight  
88\. Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.  
89\. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.  
90\. Beware of relatives bearing gifts.  
91\. Don't lie too soon after a promotion.  
92\. Exploitation begins at home.  
93\. Time is an asset.  
94\. [Females and finances don't mix.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa094.wav)  
95\. [Expand or die.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa095.wav)  
96\. Your goods are my goods.  
97\. Enough...is never enough.  
98\. Every man has his price.  
99\. Trust is the biggest liability of all.  
100\. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.  
101\. Never do something you can make someone do for you.  
102\. [Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa102.wav)  
103\. [Sleep can interfere with opportunity.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/roa103.wav)  
104\. Faith moves mountains...of inventory.  
105\. Fill a desperate need with your most expensive product, then mark it up five hundred percent.  
106\. There is no honour in poverty.  
107\. There's always a way out.  
108\. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.  
109\. [Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa109.wav)  
110\. Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.  
111\. [Treat people in your debt like family -- exploit them.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa111.wav)  
112\. [Never have sex with the boss's sister.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa112.wav)  
113\. Always have sex with the boss.  
114\. Never have sex with the boss' wife (unless you pay him first).  
115\. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too.  
116\. Make your shop easy to find.  
117\. Ambition knows no family.  
118\. Everything is worth something to somebody.  
119\. Buy, sell, or get out of the way.  
120\. Gratitude can bring on generosity.  
121\. Everything is for sale, even friendship.  
122\. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.  
123\. Even a blind man can recognise the glow of latinum.  
124\. Never trust your customers.  
125\. [You can't make a deal if you're dead.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa125.wav)  
126\. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.  
127\. It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit.  
128\. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.  
129\. A friend in need means three times the profit.  
130\. For every Rule, there is an equal and opposite Rule. (Except when there's not.)  
131\. Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.  
132\. If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much.  
133\. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.  
134\. Don't trust anyone who trusts you.  
135\. A warranty is valid only if they can find you.  
136\. There's always a catch.  
137\. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ...sometimes, good things come in small packages.  
138\. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.  
139\. [Wives serve; brothers inherit.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa139.wav)  
140\. Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.  
141\. Only fools pay retail.  
142\. Never trust a beneficiary.  
143\. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father.  
144\. There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it winds up in your pocket.  
145\. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.  
146\. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.  
147\. A fool and his money is the best customer.  
148\. Opportunity waits for no one.  
149\. If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.  
150\. There's a sucker born every minute; be sure you're the first to find each one.  
151\. Never trust a hardworking employee.  
152\. Life's not fair. How else would you turn a profit?  
153\. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.  
154\. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  
155\. The customer is always right...until you get their cash.  
156\. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator.  
157\. One person's secret is another person's opportunity.  
158\. A Ferengi without a head for business has no future.  
159\. Business is business, even among friends.  
160\. Ear stroking will get you anything.  
161\. There are many paths to profit.  
162\. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.  
163\. Count it.  
164\. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.  
165\. Never give away for free what can be sold.  
166\. Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.  
167\. Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.  
168\. [Whisper your way to success.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa168.wav)  
169\. A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.  
170\. Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.  
171\. Keep your family close; keep your latinum closer.  
172\. If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.  
173\. Only give money to people you know you can steal from.  
174\. What's in it for me?  
175\. If it's free, take it and worry about hidden costs later.  
176\. Reward anyone who adds to your profits so they will continue to do so.  
177\. Know your enemies...but do business with them always.  
178\. When the going gets tough, the tough change the Rules.  
179\. Learn the customer's weaknesses so you can better take advantage of him.  
180\. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.  
181\. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.  
182\. The best contract always has a lot of fine print.  
183\. There's no such thing as an unfair advantage.  
184\. Risk is part of the game--play it for all it's worth.  
185\. Chances aren't what they used to be.  
186\. It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.  
187\. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing.  
188\. Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.  
189\. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.  
190\. [Hear all; trust nothing.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa190.wav)  
191\. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.  
192\. Never cheat a Klingon...unless you're sure you can get away with it.  
193\. If you believe it, they believe it.  
194\. [It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa194.wav)  
195\. The more time they take deciding, the more money they will spend.  
196\. The greater the amount you are taking from someone, the greater the distraction must be.  
197\. The hand that holds the latinum may also hide a dagger.  
198\. You can tell a great deal about a man from his shoes.  
199\. There's many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets.  
200\. When you see a good deal, jump on it.  
201\. A friend in need is a customer in the making.  
202\. The justification for profit is profit.  
203\. [New customers are like razor-toothed gree-worms: they can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa203.wav)  
204\. A piece of latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer's pocket.  
205\. Profit is the better part of valour.  
206\. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit.  
207\. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.  
208\. [Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa208.wav)  
209\. Revenge is profitless.  
210\. A contract without fine print is a fool's document.  
211\. [Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success -- don't hesitate to step on them.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa211.wav)  
212\. A warranty without loopholes is a liability.  
213\. There is a customer born every minute.  
214\. [Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa214.wav)  
215\. Instinct without opportunity is useless.  
216\. Never gamble with an empath.  
217\. [You can't free a fish from water.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa217.wav)  
218\. Always know what you're buying.  
219\. Possession is eleven-tenths of the law.  
220\. Cheat long and prosper.  
221\. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.  
222\. Knowledge is power.  
223\. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.  
224\. Genius without opportunity is like latinum in the mine.  
225\. A pair of good ears will wring dry a thousand tongues.  
226\. An empty bag cannot stand upright.  
227\. Drive your business or it will drive you.  
228\. Death takes no bribes.  
229\. [Latinum lasts longer than lust.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa229.wav)  
230\. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend.  
231\. He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir.  
232\. He who drinks fast pays slow.  
233\. Mine is better than ours.  
234\. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something.  
235\. Knowledge is latinum.  
236\. You can't buy fate.  
237\. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit.  
238\. A smart customer is not a good customer.  
239\. [Never be afraid to mislabel a product.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa239.wav)  
240\. Let the buyer beware.  
241\. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse.  
242\. More is good...all is better.  
243\. Aliens have no sense of profit.  
244\. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them.  
245\. The family of Fools is ancient.  
246\. Wish not so much to live long, as to live well.  
247\. I found it; it's mine.  
248\. If you can't take it with you, don't go.  
249\. Ears open, eyes wide.  
250\. Never believe anyone taller than you.  
251\. There's a Rule of Acquisition to cover everything, but that doesn't mean one's always got to be applied.  
252\. It's better to live on one's feet than to die on one's knees.  
253\. A good negotiation should be savoured, like a good wine.  
254\. Why die with honour if you can live with profit?  
255\. A wife is a luxury...a smart accountant a necessity.  
256\. Never start a fight, but always sell tickets.  
257\. Never acquire tomorrow what you can embezzle today.  
258\. When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run, and blame it on someone else.  
259\. The wider the appeal, the greater the profit.  
260\. It's not "stealing", it's "borrowing indefinitely without permission".  
261\. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.  
262\. When all else fails, run.  
263\. [Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa263.wav)  
264\. Never throw anything away: It may be worth a lot of latinum some stardate.  
265\. The wiser the buyer, the craftier the seller.  
266\. When in doubt, lie.  
267\. Profit isn't profit unless you take it from someone else.  
268\. Revenge is sweet but profit is sweeter.  
269\. Anyone who can't tell fake latinum doesn't deserve the real thing.  
270\. When in doubt, demand more money.  
271\. An opportunity to profit needs no introduction.  
272\. For every customer who understands business there are a hundred more just begging to have their latinum stolen.  
273\. If it ain't broke, break it, fix it and charge double.  
274\. Promise everything, deliver nothing.  
275\. The object of business is to put others out of it.  
276\. When they give 110%, demand 200%.  
277\. Latinum is only as good as your ability to steal it.  
278\. If you're low on latinum, suspect your relatives.  
279\. A good deed pays for itself, with interest.  
280\. Never buy today what someone can steal for you tomorrow.  
281\. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell.  
282\. Business is like war; it's important to recognise the winner.  
283\. Rules are always subject to change and/or interpretation.  
284\. Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.  
285\. [No good deed ever goes unpunished.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa285.wav)

Quark’s Rule:  
286\. [When Morn leaves, it’s all over.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa286.wav)

Neelix's Rule:  
299\. [Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them; that way it's easier to exploit them the next time.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78204/roa299.wav)

The "Unwritten Rule":  
[When no appropriate Rule applies, make one up.](http://au.oocities.com/bec78203/UnwrittenRule.wav)  
Example: When the messenger comes to appropriate your profits, kill the messenger.


End file.
